When Life Gives You Manure…

Preface

I didn’t initially plan to share any of this…

I wrote the core of this document because writing helps me organize my thoughts, helps me calm down, helps take some of the emotional sting out of things when I’m feeling overwhelmed. If you haven’t done it before let me tell you, journaling, whatever form it takes, is a powerful thing.

Once I started writing things took on a life of their own. Before I knew it I’d come up with not only a roadmap for myself but something I thought might inspire others to try a similar exercise.

Now that I’ve done it I wonder why it took me so long to spend time really focusing on my core values…really digging into them…and then creating an action plan to grow to embody them.

I use the result of this effort every day now and I can already feel it improving how I manage my self-talk and how I interact with others. There’s no question I have a long way to go…I still struggle daily…but now I have a map and a compass helping me to find a better version of myself each day.

I hope this document inspires you to spend time exploring the values you want to embody, coming up with your own practices, and growing to become the best possible version of you as well.

All my best.

— ss

So That Happened…

A little while ago The Universe decided it was time to drop a truckload of manure on me to see how I’d react. Or maybe I dumped it on myself. Probably the latter. The “who” is unimportant at this point.

The thing is, when life gives you manure you should see a fresh supply of fertilizer, not fate shitting on poor little you, and use it to grow something beautiful…a beautiful new version of you for example.

I’m not saying that was my first thought, not by a long shot. I was not the best version of myself as each domino fell. I’m embarrassed by how I reacted in those moments. C’est la vie.

Since then I’ve been alone, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve been suffering.

I’ve let myself feel every emotion…the good, the bad, the light, the dark, everything. I’ve spent time sitting with each one, letting them have their way, and it’s been pretty ugly at times. The thing is, wounds don’t heal when they’re full of poison and holding on to negative emotions turns them into poison. The only way to heal is to feel…then let it all go. Pain now. Peace later.

To be clear, I don’t regret the choices I made that triggered things. I’m at peace with my decisions and I fully own their consequences. I went all in for something, someone actually, who was and is precious to me. I’m proud of that fact. I’d do it again…hell, I very likely will some day..and yet….

Letting Go

The trick, if there is one, to letting go is to find something you want to grab on to more…something you want badly enough you will release your grip on the past and reach instead for the future.

I started my letting go process by envisioning who I wanted to be a year, three years, five years from now. What did those versions of me want to see looking back across the years? What goals did I want to achieve? What traits would I have to embody to manifest that future for myself?

While I have other goals, I decided my primary goal was to become a version of me that was even more centered, more grounded, and more solid when the trucks inevitably start rolling in again.

I decided, among other things, to reach for a new version of me that responds to truckloads of manure like a Master Gardener. Life is certain to send more trucks and I want to be much more than just ready, I want to be able to wield my shovel like it’s Aquaman’s freakin’ trident.

Imagine yourself armed with your own personal trident, a tool that helps you master whatever life throws at you by the truckload. That’s worth reaching for. That’s what I’m reaching for.

Forging A Trident

I was inspired to focus on core values as a driving force for my growth after reading 8 Core Values I Base My Life On by Darius Foroux. To help me decide what values were truly important to me I also took advantage of a comprehensive list of core values put together by Scott Jeffrey.

Ultimately I resonated with seven core values, things that spoke to me: dauntless, true, open, mindful, wise, loving, and grateful. Of course, these are pretty general so for each value I chose three words that described that value in ways that would inspire me. For example, for “True” I chose authentic, ethical, and honest. Those help me keep in mind what I’m really aiming for.

While I focused primarily on core values, I also took a lot of inspiration from Stoicism, a philosophy which emphasizes self-mastery, acceptance of the moment, ethical behavior, and honoring Nature. These are all things which have spoken to me throughout my lifetime, things I find authentic.

Finally I was inspired by the writings of Kris Gage and John Gorman, particularly their takes on what it means to be a good partner and a good person. Life isn’t meant to be lived in a vacuum. Being a good person/partner is key to success as a human being and I want to be a good one.

So what makes up my personal trident?

Core values, Stoic filters, and human elements.

After a lot of thought and spiritual reflection I was able to forge these into something I use every day…a set of mantras I reflect on each morning which assert my values, my intentions, and spiritual commitment…my goal state.

Words To Live By…

I am driven by my values…

I am Dauntless (brave, gritty, relentless)
I am True (authentic, ethical, honest)
I am Open (curious, intuitive, open-minded)
I am Mindful (alert, focused, present)
I am Wise (benevolent, detached, insightful)
I am Loving (compassionate, empathic, selfless)
and I am Grateful (joyful, serene, thankful)

Whatever life brings me…

I will assess and accept each event without judgement;
I will focus on those things within my direct control;
I will act in the best interest of everyone involved.

Centered and grounded…

I will remain emotionally and intellectually rugged;
I will remain dauntless, a true warrior;
I will remain SOLID AS A ROCK.

With every action I take…

I will honor the energies, elements, and cycles of The Universe.

Of course, as powerful as setting intentions can be, simply saying things won’t make them come true. You have to act in alignment with your intentions. You have to make it a practice.

Acts To Grow By…

To get better at anything you have to practice…really practice…as in deliberate practice.

With practice in mind, I set out to expand on each aspect of my core values. My goal was to come up with at least one actionable item for each aspect or value. I also took each intention and tried to create something similar…something that would inspire me to embody it more fully.

Obviously all of this is a way of painting a target, setting a compass direction, or whatever metaphor you prefer for defining a goal state. I’m clearly not the person all of this defines…but I have set myself the goal of moving closer toward being that person with each passing day.

I’m sharing these here not because I think you should follow along but because I hope it will inspire you to do the same exercise for your own core values. For each value you want to embody work to find a few words that help you “feel” that value. For each of those words try to write something that offers you a way to practice or integrate that concept into your daily life.

I Am Driven By My Values…

I am Dauntless (brave, gritty, relentless)

Brave…courageous. Not the absence of fear but acting in spite of it. Try triggering a fear, observing it, smiling at it, conversing with it, “Oh, it’s you…”, then acting anyway. Start small. Practice confidence-building skills for each fear. Work up to jumping out of planes ;).

Gritty…persevering for a long-term result. Pick something that will take time and effort, like writing a book over the course of a year or getting your black belt over a five year period. Commit to it unwaveringly. Grit it out…you’ll thank yourself when you look back years from now.

Relentless…persistent, continual, non-stop. Find something you can do. Every. Single. Day. Then do it. Every. Single. Day. Practice not letting anything stop you from doing that one thing. Then do it with something else…again…and again…and again. Become…in a word…relentless.

I am True (authentic, ethical, honest)

Authentic…genuine, real. In this context it just means be who you are all the time. People will accept you or not, but you only want to be around people who accept the real you right? Get out. Meet people. Don’t try to impress them. Be ok being you 100% of the time…you rock!

Ethical…morally good and correct. Different cultures, religions, groups, even companies, set different guidelines. What are yours? Find out. Once you know, practice applying your morals regardless of outcome. Being ethical means honoring your morals even when it hurts.

Honest…truthful. Simple but not easy. You usually know your truth but do you honor it? As with ethics, know your rules. Are white lies ok? When? When are outright lies ok, if ever? What about withholding the full truth? Honor your rules with yourself and with others without exception.

I am Open (curious, intuitive, open-minded)

Curious…eager to know or learn. Start simple with something you’re already eager to learn…then try to apply that feeling to something, or better yet, someone new. There’s nothing people love more than people who are truly curious to get to know them. Give it a try! Make new friends!

Intuitive…instinctive, subconscious, awareness. Observe people; try to predict their actions; how did you do? Start with movie characters. Can you guess what’s coming? Keep your intuitions to yourself with real people…but don’t give up…every attempt will grow your intuitive sense.

Open-minded…unbiased, unprejudiced, non-judgmental. In truth we’re all biased, prejudiced, and judgey…we’re human. Learn your weaknesses; study common biases; notice your triggers; then interact with people and things that trigger them. Stay calm. Stay curious. Stay open.

I am Mindful (alert, focused, present)

Alert…watchful, vigilant. Be aware of your surroundings, particularly anything that might pose a risk. We spend too much time distracted. We endanger ourselves while walking, while driving, etc. Turn off the distractions, turn on your personal radar, and really see, really hear, really sense.

Focused…concentrated, directed. We admire people with “laser focus”, a directed beam of energy and attention that burns away distractions. The truth is, focus is a balancing act. When you lose focus brush off the latest distraction and climb back on the beam…until you stop falling.

Present…conscious of the moment. Lost in thoughts of the past? Lost in dreams of the future? Come back to this moment. “Live in the now!” What does this moment require of you? Meditate on the moment. Breathe it in. Let go of the past, the future. What is real right here…right now?

I am Wise (benevolent, detached, insightful)

Benevolent…generous, kind, unselfish. With wisdom comes recognition of the interconnected nature of existence. Being unkind or selfish ultimately hurts you. Be kind, be generous, be unselfish, knowing the positive energy you radiate will improve everything it shines on.

Detached…objective, impartial, unbiased. Attachment to things outside our control is a common source of suffering. Practice letting go. Be impartial and unbiased with respect to outcomes. You can’t control them anyway. Don’t add value judgements. Good luck, bad luck, who knows?

Insightful…perceptive, discerning, prescient. Observe. Deeply. Pay attention to actions, emotions, energies. Don’t focus on words…they’re what people want you to think. Focus on the wind, the waves, the ripples. What do they imply? Where will they inevitably lead? Practice prediction.

I am Loving (compassionate, empathic, selfless)

Compassionate…sympathetic, caring, humane. Humane, as in Human. Ultimately we’re all just people trying to make our way in this world. We all suffer at times. Put yourself in someone else’s place. How would you want to be treated? Golden rule time. Find your heart. Act from the heart.

Empathic…understanding the feelings of another. Listen. Really listen. Listen to more than words. Connect with what you are sensing from people’s expressions, movements, tone of voice. What do they tell you? What emotions do you sense from them? Reach out with your feelings Luke!

Selfless…altruistic, self-sacrificing. Yes, boundaries are a thing. This isn’t about always giving to someone who’s always taking. And yet, every human connection is a relationship you own half of. Be generous to each relationship without expectation. Choose “us” over “I” whenever you can.

…and I am Grateful (joyful, serene, thankful)

Joyful…cheerful, lighthearted, radiant. Truly feeling gratitude often triggers a feeling of real joy, a reflection of just how magical life is. Not feeling joyful? Try a gratitude journal. Connect with the things you have to be grateful for and joy won’t be far behind. Oh, one more thing…play!

Serene…peaceful, calm, tranquil. With gratitude and joy in your corner it should be possible to find moments when you are calm, at peace. Not working? Get into nature! Walk in a park. Sit by a lake, a stream, a pond. Try yoga. Try meditation. Try not trying. Breathe. In. Out. Repeat.

Thankful…appreciative. That gratitude journal thing again. Write it all down. At the very least you’re alive. You still have the opportunity to change, to improve, to grow. Life isn’t over. It might be challenging you to your limits but the game is still afoot ;) Give thanks…and then LIVE!

Whatever Life Brings Me…

I will assess and accept each event without judgement;

Events themselves can’t hurt you if you don’t let them. Aim for pure judgments of events. Did something happen? Fine. Don’t assign good or bad value. Do something or move on.

I will focus on those things within my direct control;

From Buddha to the Stoics a central theme of living without suffering is to focus only on what you can control. You control yourself; your mind; your actions; nothing more. Practice self-mastery.

I will act in the best interest of everyone involved.

We ARE here for a reason…to make things better. Not for ourselves, but for humanity at large. Yes, you will die…we all do…but you can leave the world a bit better for having had you in it.

Centered and Grounded…

I will remain emotionally and intellectually rugged;

Work the problem at hand with minimum fuss. Remember “The Martian”? “…solve enough problems and you get to come home.” Solve the problem.

I will remain dauntless, a true warrior;

Channel whatever warrior spirit speaks to you…just be sure you never give up. Make them carry you off on your shield. “Lo there do I see my father…”

I will remain SOLID AS A ROCK.

Be the person nobody wants to be too far from when the shit hits the fan. Be the positively-charged nucleus holding everything together. Wield the trident!

With Every Action I Take…

I will honor the energies, elements, and cycles of The Universe.

Humanity has thrived across millennia honoring the Sun and Moon; the masculine and feminine; the earth, the wind, the waves, and fire; the solstices, the equinoxes, the changing seasons. Respect and honor The Universe, the true source of life, whose laws ultimately rule us all.

Inspirations

I certainly don’t claim to have arrived at all of this in a vacuum. I spent a lot of time reading anything I could access that I thought might provide some insight, tools, or strategies for helping me to grow.

Here’s a short list of some influential articles I’ve read on Medium in the past year, some of which you’ll see reflected directly in my initial set of mantras:

- Marcus Aurelius: 3 Rules for Life — Darius Foroux
- 5 Stoic Lessons … To Live By — Mirnalni
- The 3 Keys To Becoming Irresistible — John Gorman
- The Only 3 Things I Need In A Partner — Kris Gage
- 8 Ways To Live Life Well — Kris Gage
- 10 Important Questions To Ask Yourself — Kris Gage
- 8 Core Values I Base My Life On — Darius Foroux

It might be easy, seeing this list, to think I just pasted things together without much thought. That would miss the mark by quite a bit in my opinion.

The values I chose are values that I personally value, that I have always valued, not because I read them and thought they sounded good. The aspects I chose and the practices I suggest for myself are things focused on areas I personally want to grow in, not ones I found outside of myself.

While I integrated advice from both Darius’s “3 Rules” and Kris’s “3 Things” articles that integration wasn’t taken without real deliberation. I’ve been reading and trying to integrate various aspects of Stoic philosophy for a long time…Darius did a great job of summarizing three key rules to use. Likewise, Kris did an awesome job boiling down the essence of what I also believe to be the best characteristics of a good partner, or a good friend for that matter.

For everything I read I did the work of sitting with my emotions, sitting with myself, and asking difficult questions about what was truly important to me, what was I willing to sacrifice for, and what was I willing to let go of on the path to a future that was authentic for me.

I invite you to do the same.

— ss